Insecurity or performance pressure.
When sex becomes a kind of
exam.
The harder you try to prove that things are going well, the less it often works. That’s not a lack of willpower, it’s how stress works. It’s a bit like trying to fall asleep while you keep looking at the clock: the more you think “I have to perform now”, the more awake your mind becomes.
Often that pressure doesn’t come out of nowhere. Comparison with others, with porn, with a time it did work, or with an unspoken idea about how sex “should” go.
You might recognise:
“The harder you force yourself to perform, the further pleasure slips out of view.”
Performance pressure works like a self-fulfilling prophecy: the fear of failing activates precisely the tension that makes failing more likely. This happens to men and women alike, even though it’s kept quiet more often than you’d think.
From proving to being present. Insecurity and performance pressure don’t disappear by trying harder. They ease by learning to look differently at what “good sex” actually means.
Where does it come from?
We work out which expectations, comparisons or experiences feed the pressure, so you know what you’re up against.
A more realistic picture
Many ideas about how sex “should” go turn out, on closer inspection, to be myths. Just realising that often brings relief.
Practising without a grade
We build up situations where there’s nothing to prove, so your body can respond again instead of having to perform.
Working on self-confidence on your own, or together.
Insecurity plays out in your own head, but often becomes visible in how you behave with a partner.
Starting on your own
Nice if you first want to understand where your insecurity comes from, apart from what a partner thinks of it.
Together with your partner
Valuable because partners often don’t know what’s going on, and unintentionally respond wrongly to signs of insecurity.
Ready to step off the
stage?
You don’t have to wait until it feels “bad enough”. Even a vague feeling of insecurity is reason enough to email.
Email praktijk@deseksuoloog.nl no one has to perform here