What can I help with?／Difference in desire

Difference in desire.

Sex therapy & guidance

You want it more often, your partner less. Or the other way around. A difference in desire is one of the most common reasons couples end up seeing a sex therapist, and it doesn’t mean something is fundamentally wrong between you.

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When you’re not at the same
pace.

A difference in desire rarely feels neutral. For the one who wants more, it can feel like rejection. For the one who wants less, it can feel like pressure or falling short.

Often a pattern grows out of this: one asks, the other avoids, and talking about it becomes harder over time instead of easier. Before you know it, it’s no longer about sex, but about who gives more, who falls short, or who still feels seen.

You might recognise:

Always the same person taking the initiative
Rejection that hurts, even when it isn’t meant that way
Sex that turns into a kind of negotiation
Guilt because you want “too little” or “too much”
Seeking closeness in ways other than sex
The feeling that you’re growing further and further apart

“A difference in desire isn’t a contest with a winner. It’s an invitation to get to know each other again.”

In sex therapy we look at the pattern between you, not at who’s right. What happens when one seeks closeness? What makes it hard for the other to say yes, or no? And how do you find a pace that works for both of you?

How I work

Not looking for who’s right. A difference in desire is rarely only about sex. It touches on how you connect, how you deal with rejection, and how much room there is for each person’s own pace.

Mapping out the pattern

Together we explore what happens just before and after a moment of closeness, so the pattern becomes visible instead of working invisibly.

Talking without blame

We look for a way to talk about desire that doesn’t feel like an accusation towards one, or pressure on the other.

Room for two paces

Desire doesn’t have to be equal for you to be happy together. We explore what does work, for both of you.

On your own or together

Often together, sometimes on your own first.

A difference in desire, by definition, plays out between two people. Even so, it can be valuable to first explore your own side of the story.

Starting on your own

Nice if you first want to understand what desire means to you, apart from the pressure or expectations within the relationship.

or

Together with your partner

Usually most valuable here, because the pattern plays out precisely between you. We work on understanding each other’s side, not on who wins.

Ready to break the
pattern?

You don’t have to wait until the conversation gets completely stuck. Even a small difference that keeps coming back is reason enough to email.

Email praktijk@deseksuoloog.nl together or on your own, both are fine