What can I help with?／Arousal or orgasm

Arousal or orgasm.

Sex therapy & guidance

Getting aroused doesn’t happen the way you’d like. Or reaching orgasm takes a long time, doesn’t happen, or happens too quickly. Whatever it is: it says nothing about how much you love your partner, or how “good” you are at sex.

Send an email See all topics →

When your mind works harder
than your body.

Arousal and orgasm can’t be forced. The more you focus on it or work towards it, the harder it often becomes. That’s no coincidence: attention on “will it work” pulls you out of the moment itself.

Sometimes it’s about difficulty getting or staying aroused. Sometimes about an orgasm that doesn’t come, takes a long time, or only works in a certain way. Sometimes about coming too quickly, which can be just as frustrating.

You might recognise:

Getting or staying aroused doesn’t happen the way you want
Orgasm takes a long time, or basically never happens
Or coming too quickly, sooner than you’d like
Being mainly preoccupied with “will it work” instead of with feeling
Wondering whether there’s something wrong with your body
Less pleasure because it’s become too much about a goal

“The moment you start observing yourself from a distance, you’re no longer in your body, but beside it.”

This is called spectatoring: watching instead of feeling. It’s one of the most common reasons arousal or an orgasm stays away, and it’s very possible to break. Not by trying harder, but by bringing your attention back to what’s actually happening.

How I work

From performing to feeling. Most approaches to arousal or orgasm aren’t about trying harder, but about learning to direct your attention differently.

Back to sensation, not to a goal

We practise attention for touch and sensation, without an orgasm having to come out of it straight away. That takes the pressure off.

Finding out what you need

Everyone needs different stimuli, paces and forms of stimulation. We map out what works for you, instead of assuming how it “should” be.

Taking physical causes into account

Sometimes medication, tiredness or a physical cause plays a part. Where needed we look at that together, or I refer you on.

On your own or together

Exploring on your own, or practising together.

What works for you in terms of arousal and orgasm is sometimes best discovered at your own pace, sometimes together.

Starting on your own

Nice if you first want to discover what arousal feels like for you and what you need, without someone else’s gaze.

or

Together with your partner

Valuable if the pressure or disappointment plays out mainly between you, or if you want to discover new ways together.

Ready to take the
pressure off?

You don’t have to wait until it feels “big enough”. Even curiosity about what could be better is reason enough to email.

Email praktijk@deseksuoloog.nl no performance, just a conversation